slippery slope, collage 2009

To feel passion-less...

I cannot think of a worse spiritual and emotional condition for me.

When I wear myself out, my body is the last to go.  But when I physically start to suffer, I know I have some major rehab ahead.  And I haven't found a quick remedy for recovery nor have I discovered how to make the best use of the time.

To feel passion-less is lost time, an empty space, a "no man's land", inner isolation.  I just can't stand it.

I know there is nothing else to do but rest and refill.  But I hate knowing this at the same time.   I feel so challenged within the waiting.

Today I tried to paint in my studio.  I feel apathetic (almost angry) about it.  I cannot seem to connect to what I am doing.  I look at my work and feel so far removed from it.  I cannot seem to connect my heart and soul to anything.  I  don't feel connected to my work.  It's as if I  have an aversion to it.  My work and my spirit are like oil and water right now.

Time to:

order materials for classes

design curriculum

make appointments

catch up on admin work

write this blog post

None of the above activities require my heart and soul (thank goodness) but, still, this time is so hard.  I dread it and can almost see it coming down the pipe.  I guess instead of letting go and sliding down the pipe (always to greener, sunnier pastures, I know this), I kick and scream at the front end, holding myself back and making this process more difficult (and possibly longer).

SO.  HARD.  TO.  LET.  GO.

One more thing:  When my frequency is this low, it's not a good idea to have meetings with new people.  I am misunderstood and this has a compounding effect and makes everything worse (in the long run).  I am not the person who can put on "a pretty face" for an hour or so.  I never have been.  What to do?  I have three different meetings with new people THIS WEEK!

As a side note: I've learned that people who are both familiar with my natural frequency and my low frequency and aren't threatened by my low frequency (take it personally) are the people worth keeping around.


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