Does anyone else ever feel like they will never get their sh*t together?
Does anyone else ever feel so overwhelmed that they don't even know where their sh*t is?
If you do know where it is, what instrument are you using to keep it straight?  I haven't found the proper tool.  And, right now, I am thinking mine really smells.

At this very moment, I don't even know what my sh*t is but I can feel it looming at, what feels like, the opposite ends of the earth.  And it's like I'l have to start trekking long distances, too, just to start the gathering process.

Why do I go here? How is it helpful?

This is an excerpt from the Tao Te Ching, a Chinese Taoist text dating back to at least sixth century BC. The Tao has been a daily “go-to” for me for over 20 years. 

In all honesty, I think trying to manage all the emotions I have been feeling in the midst of what seems to be getting worse (I honestly didn't think THAT was possible) with #45.  I feel pushed me to my limit.  I mean if I feel traumatized and I am this far removed from it, what does it actually REALLY feel like for someone to be directly on the receiving end?  I shudder over this.  I lose sleep.  I have lost sleep.  It's too much.  It doesn't make sense to me.  NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE!  WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? Where does someone like me start?  And then, you know what?  I start feeling guilty for feeling traumatized.  Why should I feel this way?  I have never EVER had to prove my value to this effin stinkin' society - EVER.  This makes me sick.  And I am getting physically sick.  This is what happens to me when I feel and cannot stop feeling and then I lose sleep and then I get sick and then...what service or good can I be to anyone else? It's just all so complicated and painful.  And I always take this way back (every time) to what we, as settlers, did to the Native population.  I just feel like our culture is so power hungry and I honestly feel like it's a cover for severe insecurity and feelings of inferiority. How can we possibly say WE KNOW how to do this when there have been so many deeply rooted, peaceful ways other cultures have practiced living.

So there it is.  This all feels so utterly out of control that I want to start grabbing onto something I think I can control: my life.  But, in this frazzled and weary state this is not the time.  And who really has control of their life anyway?  Is that possible?


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