the grief chronicles 5.

I've had at least two more episodes of deep grief in between this chronicle and last.  I think those episodes just felt too ambiguous and too overwhelming to write about at the time.  They also both lasted for several days.  I felt so underneath it, under water.  I still cannot grasp onto anything.  Grief can be such a mystery.

Yesterday, another episode crept up on me, though.  These are the ones I seem to be able to document.  Because Monday and Tuesday were productive and happy days, yesterday threw me totally off guard.  It came up and smacked me in the face and it took me awhile to identify what was happening.

The only thing I could think of was that I wanted to steady myself and I couldn't seem to find anything either tangible or otherwise to hold on to.

She steadied me.  When we were kids (high school), she actively did this for me on a daily basis.  This is NO exaggeration.  But now, in our adult years, because of the role she played for me at such an impressionable time, she represented a place of stability for me - even if we didn't talk.  And, sometimes, it hits me that the role she held for me emotionally is now completely vacant.  Yesterday I felt like the rug had been entirely pulled out from under me (and the possibility that there might be another rug is nil).

Up until last month or so, I was trying to put all my gratitude into the fact that, now, I can actually "talk" to her anytime I wish.  I mostly do this when in the midst of something she would find funny .  She found so much humor in the smallest of things.  But, this past weekend, I felt tired of putting my focus there.  Now, I just really miss her talking (or laughing) back.

And then, this morning, I think about the time we had a girls reunion in Cannon Beach (2012).  There are many events that should be documented in writing from that trip.  What I keep remembering, though, is the time the two of us were just laying on the floor in our VRBO, playing with our cameras and photographing our feet.

This was us.  Perhaps it was because we were attached at the hip as adolescents and always came up with creative ways to entertain ourselves.  These were also our best times spent as adults.

This was our relationship.  And I miss this SO MUCH.

And then, right now, Shawn Colvin is playing on the radio.  UGH.  Really?  Hi, Jen. XO (plus all the emojis that you were so good at utilizing).

Read more posts from my Grief Chronicles HERE