against a wall

against a wall, acrylic on panel, 2009

I feel like it's just me, a very tall retaining wall and a cold slab of concrete underneath.  I cannot climb the wall.  I feel like a limp noodle.  And yet, it is so uncomfortable being a limp noodle - HERE.  I cannot truly relax.  And I am exhausted.

When I was able to articulate this yesterday, soon afterward, I recalled being here before.  Sure enough, I found this painting I completed in 2009: Against A Wall.  I am always looking for progress.  At least I haven't thrown myself against the wall this time.  I know better. 

I said to Peter last night, "I just can't seem to shift gears."  He asked, "What gear do you need to be in?" My response was, "A different one."  There was my answer.  I am just not accepting where I am right now.  I know the option is to sit here and learn how to accept this place.  Ironically enough,  once I do accept it, the wall will fall or I will be able to scale it easily. 

All of the sudden, I recall other works with similar experiences behind them.  I have been here before and I will go here again.  It's part of the process for me.  So, in the meantime, I'll just be HERE waiting for self acceptance.  Grrrrrrrr......

Climbing Out, 12x12, acrylic on panel, 2010

The Truth Outside (my mind), 12x12, watercolor on paper, 2017

Slippery Slope, 7x10, collage on paper, 2009