gentle giants

buffalo BEFORE

::: BEWARE: harsh language :::

I don't even know where to start.  I am overwhelmed, feel like I am running on adrenaline that is on constant crescendo and I have been under the weather since Thursday afternoon.  And, "under the weather" is too much of an understatement but I don't know what else to say without getting more specific.

Today I am pissed.  I am pissed for A LOT of reasons.  I am really pissed today because I am so fucking sensitive to EVERYTHING.  No matter how many things I try to do to protect myself/to create a natural buffer from so that I may continue to contribute to or be a productive member of this important society, stuff grabs a hold of me and body slams me to the dark depths so that I CANNOT DO ANYTHING.  

I know that these experiences can be a coping mechanism, YES, but I also know that a BIG part of this is being an empath. AND there is also SO MUCH MORE...

buffalo BRIDGE

Now trauma survivors - ONE blog post can't (not even a book can!) even begin to do any of those who have experienced trauma, any bit of justice.  

And trying to explain an empath to someone who isn't one - well, I've learned this just isn't even worth beginning.  It creates more isolation and frustration for the empath than they experienced in the first place.

I am SO SICK (which is probably why I am "under the weather", right?) and TIRED of people saying they want to know or want to listen when the majority really don't want to know and really don't want to listen. 

 And what about all this business about speaking your truth?  It's supposed to set you free, right?  But the fucking truth is hard enough to digest within ourselves.  WTF? 

To be invisible  is one thing but to be EVERYWHERE and still be invisible?  

CAN YOU IMAGINE?  CAN YOU?  I CANNOT.

So, I will just write this:

What if I am the buffalo?

What if I look really strong to everyone else?

I know I am strong.

But the problem is

Being strong is exhausting 

Especially when I  feel like I've had no other choice but to be

For most of my life

How do I possibly let my guard down NOW?

Well, people ARE letting down their guards.  They are on national television.  They are streaming LIVE.  Bless their souls.  Seriously, BLESS THEIR SOULS.  This is all I can do - BLESS THEIR SOULS from here.

And it has to be good enough.

buffalo AFTER

post script: I try not to publish posts like this because I don't want them to seem like a call for help or sympathy.  And, feeling sorry for someone?  That's the biggest insult EVER.  No, the people that "feel sorry" don't want to SEE you.  They don't want to walk with you towards the solution.  That's where I want my focus to go - TOWARDS THE SOLUTION!  but sometimes I just can't stay there anymore.  I just need to break down, digress and say WHAT THE FUCK? over and over again.  It's really important for me to say that my primary reason for this post is catharsis - it's TOTALLY selfish.  ABSOLUTELY and completely selfish.  And, maybe, there is a one percent chance someone else will read this and identify with it and it will put them at ease, just a bit, knowing someone else OUT HERE is feeling a lot of feelings and feels trapped and doesn't know what to do except type as though they plan on murdering their keyboard.