processing 101

Titled "processing 101” after 36 hours of rage, terror, helplessness, hopelessness, the deepest sadness and so much journal writing (which really was the AP course in processing). 

My physical body feels everything and there is so much going on in there, physically, as well (panic attacks, extreme tension and nauseousness, just to start...)

And, this very early morning, there was a window.  We creatives live for windows, having learned to leap (or crawl) through them, because we're never sure how long they plan to stay open.  Even as I type this, I can feel a sense of it closing (already) and feeling VERY HEAVY.

In the wee early morning hours yesterday, I had the inclination to look at my journals from November 9, 2016.  I remember waking up that morning (again, very early) and writing pages and pages and pages and pages and more pages before talking to anyone - even Peter.  I knew that I would need to process a lot before having the ability to have any kind of productive conversation with anyone.

just ONE journal page from
November 9, 2016

The anguish of needing to do SOMETHING and being too overwhelmed in body or mind to trust one's thinking.  GAWD!

I am not a front lines person and I am at peace with that.  It's taken me a long time to get there but I stand with myself and this truth.  If my person was on the front lines, I would already be sick in bed (literally) and unable to function, resulting in the inability to assist anyone.  As a side note, Peter is a front lines person and for his person, this is helpful for him.

People who really don't understand me or my process, habitually suggest I paint my rage, terror, etc, etc, and at one point in my painting life, I used to also be disappointed in myself (that word's an understatement here) that I couldn't do this either.  

I AM NOT HERE TO PAINT THAT!  

I AM HERE TO PAINT HOPE AND EMPATHY, COMFORT AND COMPANIONSHIP!

And, I know from experience, I cannot do this right now but, I will, again, sooner than I think.  I am pretty conscious of this cycle.

So, in the meantime, I write and write and write and write and write some more.

And I'll leave you with this.  

This painting was created in the summer of 2018 during another ICE occupation in MN.  I had the idea of painting a rabbit on its hind legs.  The title is a vision I have for every human to experience - especially the most vulnerable humans (hence the rabbit as subject). But do I really have to spell that all out? 

GAWD, I want to scream! but then I'd scare away the rabbits...

standing tall is safe here, 48x30
kari maxwell, 2018

And, if you're anything like me, nature is a primary soother of my soul. 

Please soothe your soul today if you know how.  

We need strong souls for this stuff!

On the (very) slight chance rabbits help, here is a slideshow of rabbits 

who took up residency in my backyard this past year.